Horrible Mom Moments

We all make mistakes. We've all done something that we later looked back upon and asked ourselves what we were thinking.
My first moment was the time I left my son unattended in the tub. I know-Gasp! It was a quick lapse-in-the-brain judgement that I've been ashamed of ever since. Nugget loves his baths, and it was during his bath that he sat up for the first time. He was captivated by the running water and pulled himself up so he could run his fingers through it. In my excitement I ran out of the bathroom to grab my camera, which was just a few feet away on the kitchen cabinet-but I know that doesn't matter. I got caught up in the moment, snapped a zillion pictures, called my husband and praised my son. It wasn't until I was rinsing him off that I realized what I had done. Immediately my smile melted, my stomach dropped and the brace I had around my son grew tight and apologetic. You always watch the news about some woman who had left her kids unattended in the tub and they drowned or burned themselves and wondered what kind of mother could do that, now here I was one of those mothers. When I think about what could have happened. Ugg! For crying out loud it was the first time he ever sat up, he could have tipped over and fallen back into the water unable to breath while I trotted off to get my camera.
That was 5 months ago and I still cringe when I think about it.
The second horrible mother incident came a month later. You would have thought I'd have been on my game since the tub night, but in another not-to-bright afternoon my son rolled off my bed. Rolled is actually to loose of a term, flew off the bed is more like it. Bending down to pick up a quick basket of laundry I'd been sorting, I suddenly saw something fly through the air out of the corner of my eye, heard a loud thud and then shrilling screams. I picked up my son, held him tight and did a thorough check for bruises, broken bones or brain damage. I phoned the Pediatrician, who after several questions, assured me that my son was okay and that I was very lucky. Don't worry I received a scolding by him about leaving a baby alone on high surfaces. That I had already known and been normally very good at doing. But to be frank, I was naive enough to think that my bed was to big for him to roll from one side to the other.
Poor Nugget, he wouldn't let me put him down for the rest of the day. Whenever I tried he'd scream at the top of his lungs and clung to my shirt like a cat. I felt so guilty that I held him close and nuzzled him while he took his two hour nap in my arms. I didn't dare set him down, even as he snored. I just sat there in the silent room and kissed his head. I was a scum mother yet again.
But yesterday I did something stupid. Something that left me wondering what I could be thinking and what my problem with reality and the true consequences of a child, could be. After returning from swim class, and almost falling asleep while pushing the stroller again, I placed Nugget down on the floor with his toys and walked back down the stairs to bring his stroller in. As a Halloween fanatic my husband and I decked out our house, particularly the hallway, with witches, goblins, glow in the dark eyes-and most importantly a hanging skeleton chandelier that shakes, laughs and blinks blue and red colors when you walk down the stairs. Nugget thinks this chandelier is fantastic. As soon as we walk down the stairs he shouts at it, he thinks this is what makes it go off-not that we're walking under it, and twists his whole body in my arms so he can stare at it and shout some more. It's funny actually. Until, as I'm pulling the stroller in the hallway, I hear him shout. To my horror I whip around to see Nugget and his dog at the ledge of the stairs. One movement and he would have went head first. All because I stupidly didn't shut the door behind me. Without another thought I dashed up the stairs, I think I actually leaped on air, and caught my son before he went down. Oh My God! How stupid could I be? Why on earth would I even think that my son couldn't crawl from the living room to the kitchen doorway? I felt horrible. I feel horrible. I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about what could have been.
The one time that something horrible didn't happen, but had large potential. It's moments like these that make me question what kind of mother I am. Sure I care about Nugget. I love him, play with him, feed him and make sure he is utterly taken care of. But, how could someone who is a responsible mother have such lulls in judgement? Sigh.
I kissed Nugget and held him tight all day today, but it still didn't take the sickening feeling in my stomach away. At this moment I want to pull him from his crib and pull him into my bed with me, where I can hold him tight and breath in his faint baby scent all evening. But I'm afraid that with all my lapse I might get him caught up in the sheets or roll over him in my sleep.