Judged A Book

I'm an avid reader. As avid as one can be with an 11 month old, which is why I am a firm believer that you should never judge a book by it's cover. I know some of the best books I've read have had the blandest and cheesiest picture covers (cheesy thinking about Good in Bed, I passed and passed on this book until someone handed it down with a must read to me-and viola I became not only a fan of the book and the character, but of the author who I check her website posts at least once a week). Any who, I swore. Swore. I would not watch the Britney:For the Record special that aired on Mtv last Sunday. First of all it aired well past my bedtime, and yes I could have DVR'd, and second of all I heard through the media mill that Britney and her father had full editing rights. As a writer who somewhat works in the business and knows all to well about editing, I knew that meant one thing-there was no way we were going to get the real story. This was just going to be another album plug. And my thoughts were justified as I read the Newsday review Monday morning. No emotions, no discussing what really happened, just a quintessential plug.
My sister-in-law, a huge Britney fan from the beginning, called me the next afternoon. Had I watched it? Nope, I said. You see I never went for Britney's I'm so sweet, hehehe, pop tunes. I was more of a slutty, raw, Christina, if I had to choose. But I changed my mind once Britney had her breakdown. Her shaved head, anger umbrella pounding car basher, non-underwear wearing, fake accent, not going to rehab made me fall in love with her. Here is the real her, I thought. And for some reason I related. You know-my Holly Hobbie thing. I totally felt like she was breaking away from her sweet image, trying to be reckless, and above all free. As sick as it may sound I almost envied her for doing something that I wished I could. When I was in high school, and then in college and in the post-college the real world sucks and even sometimes still I've had a continuing fantasy. It's the middle of night, or early afternoon, I grab the smallest essentials, and leave. I pack my car and head to an unknown destination where I'm free to start over and be myself, away from the pressure that surrounds me, the expectations, the nice respectable always do right girl would start over somewhere new. I'd work as a coffee girl, a waitress, anything that didn't require a lot of involvement and I'd just live my life. Happy. Telling anyone who had an opinion on what I was doing to just go away, instead of smiling and pretending it didn't bother me. To me, this is essentially what Britney did. This is why I love her.
So, to get back to the show, when I heard it was going to be editing I got irritated. Here we go again, I thought. Britney's back under lock and key and preforming just how people expect her to and not how she would like to. So I refused, out of anger. The one person I looked up to in a weird way was about to let me down. But yesterday afternoon, after I put Nugget down for a nap, and threw myself on the couch from what was an exhausting day (my doctors appointment, then Nugget's, then the Post Office, then the deli to get a tuna sandwich, then to Baby Guru's for a play date, then to King's and then back home, all while bundled up Nugget decided to have a last minute freak out in his stroller. I can't blame him. He was only in there since 8 o'clock in the morning and it was now after 1. Anyway, as I flicked on the TV, there she was. Britney:For the Record. I clicked it off, searched for something else, but curiously came back. I watched the entire hour and a half (needless to say we ended up having leftovers for dinner, which were just as good)and I found myself sad. There, in front of all the cameras and people around her, was her emanating sadness for the world to capture-and judge. I'm not sure if everyone caught what I did, but in those moments when the camera wasn't on her and she was in the background I could see the blank face and dull eyes which spoke so much. She looked like a little girl spun in a world where everyone was directing and going and she was just lost in the shuffle.
I ended the show feeling bad for her, and feeling as if Britney's crazy spell isn't over. She might be well behaved and proper for now, but deep down inside her is the crazy no-holds-bound Britney who's just waiting to get the gusto and room to do it all again. Just maybe in a different form this time.
Trust me. Crazy Brit will be back!